Mom Fears (not sugar coated)

I have fears. Some are the normal fears, like creepy crawly things and dark basements. Other are a bit off the wall. I'll admit I can create some pretty crazy ones in the middle of the night when the house makes a funny noise or I have a scary dream. My famous line to my husband "you just never know, that could happen!!" He of course rolls his eyes and goes back to sleep. My dad always used to call me a "worry wart". And I will agree. I have been that way since day one. And I am seeing bitty glimpses of that in my son. Poor kid.
I have another category of fears called "mom fears". These are the fears I never dreamed I would have until I had kids. If you are a mom, you know what these are. The list is literally endless and thinking too deep into them might create even more, or like me, throw you into almost panic mode. My life has been so crazy lately that I don't have time to sit and think. I mean really think. Like past dinner time. And then I see a movie. Tonight I watched "The time travelers wife" with my dear husband. At the end the guy dies (sorry if I ruined it for you). He left behind his wife and 5 year old daughter. This, for me, is just the tip of my fears.
What if I die? What will my kids do, and how will they cope? Will Randy remarry and if he does, will they love that person more than me? Will she be good to them? In my eyes, no one, and I mean NO ONE will EVER be as good as me for my kids. Call it whatever you want but it's the truth. Those kids are part of my entire being, they are my identity. Without them I am not whole, I'm not me, I'm nothing. I think that's the way it was intended to be too.
Another fear? Terrorists/natural disasters/the world ending (yes all those). Basically these are the things that COULD happen at some point and leave our lives in ruin. Chaos, panic, death, sickness, famine are all things that MIGHT follow. If it was just me, I could deal with these things. I would say I'm a decently tough person and could handle it. In such chaos I may have to witness my children being scared, hungry, cold, sick, in pain. This is my ultimate fear. The one that takes the cake. I cannot fathom my kids suffering and it cuts me to the core to think of it. It's almost unnatural. I think back to the times in WWII when children were starved and tortured and taken right before their parents eyes. HOW HOW HOW????? There just are no words.
I am completely aware that this fear is far fetched. You are probably rolling your eyes. I know. Before I became a mom you had better believe these thoughts NEVER crossed my mind. But now.....
Here are some more things I fear and the weird things I do "just in case".
When going out to eat with just me and the kids, I sit near an exit in case someone comes in with a gun or some kind of weapon. I basically plan our escape route as we come in the door.
I am CONSTANTLY looking around everywhere we go and if someone doesn't look right I go away rather quickly. I may even leave the store if it really doesn't feel right.
I never return my cart at night when I have the kids with me. Because they would have to be alone in the car without me for 10 seconds while I walk 10 feet to return the cart, it just isn't worth it. I visualize some guy hoping in my car and kidnapping them.
I have everything in my house mapped out if an intruder came in (in my head, not on paper guys lol). I know where the kids and I would get out (while Randy took care of the intruder of course, cause that's what men do lol). I know where we would hide if it came to that.
I doubt this is normal, or maybe it is and I am just the only one who will write about it. Whatever the case may be, I worry. A lot. And 99% of it is about my kids. Those kids mean the world to me, and I'll be damned if I let anything happen to them.
So if you are a mom like me, know that you are not alone in your crazy worries. If you are going to be a parent, good luck with these new found fears lol. Now I'm going to go kiss my peacefully sleeping kids and scheme up another escape route out of my house. HAHA