The babies didn't stick...

I'm a bit late on the update. Last week on Monday we had our last blood draw. If our beta numbers went up as they should then we would assume things were on the right track. Unfortunately, my numbers were lower than our first blood draw. 15.5 to be exact. It was really devestating for all of us. We had a suspision things were headed south when my daily HPTs were getting lighter instead of darker. At this point I have miscarried completely and am on hold with birth control pills (basically holds your cycle in place), so we can start another round soon. This time around we will use fresh embryos. They will also be 5 day embryos so we can weed out the embryos that are not strong enough to survive. Hoping for much better results this time. We will start our next cycle after thanksgiving so I'm not consumed with meds during that time. I wanted to take a second to thank all of our family and friends for being such a HUGE supprt during this time. It was a roller coaster from the start and we had so much support the whole way through. I didn't realize how bummed I'd be if it didn't work. Even though this won't be my child, I still take my "job" very seriously and want him/her to thrive! Prayers for this next cycle to be successful are appreciated. I will update once we start back up again!

Stuck in Beta Hell

Well, I'd love to say that we are well on our way to our fifth week of pregnancy, but I can't. We just don't know. I'll go back to last week because I haven't updated since then. I had been testing on home pregnnacy tests (HPT) for a few days by the time I went to have my beta blood draw done on Tuesday. I was expecting good news because I had been getting positive pregnancy tests for a couple days before then. I was also having classic pregnancy symptoms. I was a bit shocked when my numbers only came back at a 27. That is very low compared to what it should be. Our doctors would have liked to see it more around 100+. We were told that it could be a "chemical pregnancy", when the baby implants and starts to get going, but then stops growing. It could have just been a late implant and set us back a few days. Or I could just have low numbers and have a normal pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Abi I was told that I had low numbers in the beginning of my pregnancy, the numbers also didn't double the "correct" way. I was told to expect to miscarry. Obviously she is here and my numbers didn't follow what the doctors said they "should" do. I continued to test on HPT till my next beta test two days later. Each day was a bit darker. We felt a bit more optomistic. My numbers came back on Thursday at 51. We were happy because they wanted them at least at a 50. HCG (the pregnancy hormone) should double every 2-3 days. Mine did it in 2 days so we felt even more optomistic! Through the weekend I continued to test each morning, and each day they got darker. Saturday morning (yesterday) I took my test and it was ever so slightly lighter than my Friday morning test. I thought that was odd but wasn't too concerned. This morning I took another test and it is even lighter still. It looks just like my first postitive tests looked like. I'm so upset because that usually means that you are losing the pregnancy. I spent a long time reading other people's experiences with this and 9/10 times, they end up having a miscarriage. Tomorrow morning I have another blood draw to see what my numbers are doing. If they are still going up as they are supposed to then that means more than just a line on a test. If it stays the same or goes down, then I am having a miscarriage. Honestly I still 'feel' pregnant. I've got the same symptoms as before. I'm not feeling very positive though. I'm ready to hear bad news. We still have 4 more frozen embryos and I'm sure we will try again. Stay tuned.....

The babies were sticky!

Well at least one baby was sticky. I have gotten 4 days of positive pregnancy tests! Tomorrow I have my first of two blood tests to test my HCG levels. With those numbers we will also have a better idea if both babies stuck, or just one. After those tests I will schedule an ultrasound for the seventh week of pregnancy. So three weeks from now. I had a story to write about tonight, that I found really cool. It just shows even more that my IPs and I were meant to be brought together. When I was close to done working on becoming a surrogate (tests etc) my IPs started working with my agency looking for a surrogate. They were given 6 different profiles of women to chose from at that time. I was one of them. They went through the profiles and chose me. At that same time, Randy lost his job so I put surrogacy on hold for a month or so to wait till my medical would kick back in from his new job. My IPs were told that I was no longer available because of this and they started to look again. It turns out that none of the women had clicked with them and they didn't chose any of them. After about a month they were told that I was active again and could do our first phone conference. They were exstatic! We had a wonderful first conversation and it has been a joy getting to know them ever since. How cool though that through the kinks we still were brought together? That's God right there. My intended mother (L) is so incredibly loving with me. I got the most heartfelt letter from her the other day. It made me cry. She truly values me for what I'm doing and is incredibly thoughtful of my feelings and choices. This was one thing I worried about when matching. I prayed that I would be treated like a person and not just an incubator. Boy have I been blessed. I'm feeling good now. I dealt with a ton of bloating for about a week after the transfer. That has gone down a good amount, but I'm still feeling heavy in my uterus. I don't recall feeling "pregnant" this early with my other two pregnancies. I'm wondering if that mean twins? My breasts are crazy sore still and I get a bit quesy every once in a while. Nothing that doesn't pass within a few minutes, thankfully. I will update with test results tomorrow. Words cannot express my excitment. Thanks for following along!

2 days post transfer (2dpt)

I'm closing in on my second day of resting. Tomorrow brings back all of my responsibilities. Getting kids to school, from school, appointments and therapies. At least most of it is just drivivng, lots and lots of driving. Yesterday I felt very bloated, like my uterus was full of rocks or something. And that sort of made its way up into my stomach somehow. My belly was hard and uncomfortable. I read on a bunch of fertitilty sites that it is common. I slept terribly last night. Tossed and turned most of the time. I think I'm recovering from having to sleep on that terrible mattress at the hotel (it was so hard!). So I was just sore. Maybe I was also having a hard time shutting my brain off. So much to think about! I woke up this morning at 6am to pee and take one of my medications. I was so incredibly hungry, stomach rumbling and all. Very odd for me since I don't usually enjoy eating in the morning. And I had eaten at about 11 last night. I headed back to bed and tried to sleep it off. I got up at 8 even more hungry but at that time I was a mix of hungry and nauseous. I ate some breakfast but a few times while eating, waves of nausea came over me. Nothing awful but a defenite icky feeling. I just figured it was a mix of medications and hunger, but then I thought I've been on these meds for 2 weeks now with no problems like this. I'm pretty skeptical of symptoms this early so of course I go to my good friend google to see what others thought. Well, lots of people have symptoms right away! Then others say they never had one symptom. Thanks google for that definitive answer. And of course I start reading about a lot these people that were having early symptoms ended up having twins. Oh my. We transfered 2 embryos hoping that just one would stick. The chances of me having twins is only like 13 percent. Not huge chances, but still there. I'm still hoping for just one baby in there. Singleton pregnancies are just safer for all, and of course easier on the body. BUT, all that said, I'd still be elated for L and Z if it were twins. They have said that it would be a huge blessing if it were twins as well. About an hour after I ate I was no longer feeling sick. I haven't felt sick again today. Tonight though, I was getting the girls in their jammies and my chest started to ache. I felt around and yep, the ladies are getting sore! That's yet one more new symptom. Again, I'm skeptical but these little things keep popping up. I almost wish I had no symptoms because then I wouldn't get my hopes up. I'm cautiously optomistic about all of this. Of course I'm hoping to be pregnant but I know there is only a 50/50 chance that I will be. I need to be ready for bad news as well. BUT if I had to take a guess, I'd say I am pregnant. I also read of people getting a positive result from a home pregnancy test (HPT) at 4dpt. So we could know sooner than I thought! I will have my first beta test (pregancy levels tested by blood) on the 23rd. So either way, 9 days is when we'll know for sure. I'm testing with a HPT every morning though, just to be sure. That's all for today! Will update if anything new happens :)

The babies are in!

The transfer is over! It happened! I am still in shock. It's been almost a year leading up to this point and the big "T-day" is complete. The transfer was on 10-12-12 (Friday). I set my alarm for 4:30 on Friday morning (yesterday). With all my phone smarts I ended up setting my alarm incorrectly and my alarm didn't go off. But, because God had plans for making this day PERFECT in every way, I woke up and looked at my phone at exactly 4:30. At that point I knew the day would go well. I took a shower and got ready to go. I kissed Randy goodbye (he was still sound asleep) and I headed out the door. As I drove the 30 minutes to my mom's house I prayed and prayed and prayed. Mostly I just prayed that I wouldn't puke everywhere. I was nervous. Scratch that, I was petrified. It's all a good plan to be a surrogate, until the day you actually become one. I got to my mom's and promplty headed to the bathroom, just in case. I regained my composure and we headed out the door. I have to pause here and say that my mom is the ONLY reason I stayed sane during the trip over, and during the transfer. She brought this incredible calm to me, that only a mother can bring. I appreciate and love her even more so now. If that was even possible. We made excellent time and made it to Seattle in only 5 hours. Arriving at our hotel 5 hours before check in time and 2 hours before the transfer, I assumed they wouldn't have our room ready for us. But, God swooped in and of course worked that all out for us and we both had a cozy room to go to. Her and I hung out for a little while and then headed to the transfer. Traffic last time I was in Seattle for appointments was horrendous. I was fully prepared to deal with that again. Nope, clear roads all that way. We arrived a half hour early and began our wait. My intended parents were actually a bit late (late to their own baby making! Ha!) and of course I thought, they are backing out, something heppened etc etc. The technitian called us back and they got me all set up, checked my bladder by ultrasound (had to be very full), and gave me the run down on what would happen. Finally my Z and L walked in and I felt intense relief. I gave L THE biggest hug I've ever given somebody. Right then and there was the moment that all my doubts dissapeared. I was more than ready. Our embryologist (wouldn't that be the coolest job title to have?!) came in and talked to us all about our embryos that would be transfered. She told us that they thawed out wonderfully and looked beautiful. They were three days embryos (so egg and sperm had been together for three days already). She also gave us each a copy of the babies first picture!

It is so weird to be feel bonded to two microscopic cells, but I love these little guys! And I have to say that technology just keeps boggling my mind. Z left the room and our doctor came in and got me all prepped for the transfer. The actual transfer took a total of five minutes. It was completely painless and easy. The other cool thing was that we got to watch everything on a TV screen on the wall. We saw the embryos under the microscope, them sucking them up into the transfer tube, and then watched on ultrasound as he inserted them into my uterus. Talk about more mind boggling! I rested there for a fifteen minutes afterwards and then I was all done!WE hugged, we snapped pictures, and we felt much needed refief. Z and L left right after that (Z had to go back to a meeting at work). They would pick us up again that evening to have a nice dinner out. My mom and I went to have some lunch across the street and then we headed back to rest at the hotel for a couple hours. Z and L picked us up that evening and we had a wonderful dinner at a small korean restaurant. I LOVE trying new foods, and asian foods of all sorts are my favorite. They know this and picked a great place! We talked, we laughed and we ate far too much. My heart was so full. We ended the night with some big hugs and so many thank you's from them to me. I am so grateful that I get to do this for them. What an honor! My mom and I headed back to our rooms and crashed soon afterwards. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed but super bloated! I looked that up and it's to be expected. Hoping that means good things are happening! Our drive home was easy and uneventful, again.... God. I was met with smiles and hugs from my husband and kids when I walked in the door. I felt so immensly blessed that I have all these people in my life. I can't count how many calls and positives texts and facebook messages I got this weekend. So many people are rooting for us, L and Z!!! I will be resting on the couch for the next day and then go to light activity for a few days after that. In five days I can start taking at home pregnancy tests. By Friday (7 days post transfer) I should know if those babies stuck or not! Thank you all for your unending support and love! Stay tuned!

This is blogworthy, so I'll blog about it!

For the last year I have been on a journey to become a surrogate. It's been an easy journey thus far. I did a slew of medical exams, psychological tests and of course got matched with my intended parents. My intended parents are all that I could have asked for. When I began this journey I wanted a couple that I could connect with on many levels. When we met for the first time, it was like I had known them all my life. They treat me with the utmost care, and we have a beautilful relationship. I was potentially matched with another couple before, but there just was no connection. I'm so glad I waited to find the right couple. Z and L are a Chinese couple in Seattle that have been trying for years to have a baby. After many failed fertitilty treatments and heartache they chose surrogacy as their next route to begin their family. I have been on IVF medications for 3 weeks now. I have been taking Lupron injections (to shut down my uterus) and estrogen patches (to thicken my uterine lining and prep my body for pregnancy). I will start two more medications tomorrow. So far I have no complaints about the meds. I get dizzy every so often but nothing too bad. We are just 5 days away from transfer day! We are transfering 2 frozen embryos. I have basically a 50% chance of becoming pregnant. There is a small chance I will carry twins. We'd prefer just one baby in there though. I can't say I'm not nervous for the transfer. Not nervous in the "am I doing the right thing" sense, but a "I don't want to fail my intended parents" sense. I so want to help them build their family. I want things to go smoothly for them. They have already gone through so much. I have previously gotten pregnant easily, so I'm hoping that this is just as simple. I will be back to update on whether the transfer was successful! Please send prayers, good thoughts and baby dust!

A new life, a new love and a dash of empathy.

After 7 long months of waiting for our daughter to be born, she has finally arrived. 7 pounds 5 ounces of pure, beautiful, sweet little girl. I may not have given birth to her but I have been to every appointment, every ultrasound. I have worried about her every second because I was not the one carrying her and making good choices to ensure her health. Did that make it harder than my two pregnancies? HELL YES. That little girl was on my mind constantly. Through these 7 months I got to know Morgan and Lillian's birth mother on a whole new level. I learned things about her that were good to know, and some that weren't. I didn't have a choice in what she did during her pregnancy and that, I think, was the hardest part. She has her own set of problems and learning this about her makes it easier for us to see problems in the future, should they arise. I have had a very hard time feeling empathy for the life she has. Part of the reason she has a hard life could very easily be from the awful childhood she had. Although I have met many people that have turned a terrible childhood into a positive adulthood. I'm not sure I can say that during the entire pregnancy that I ever actually felt sorry for her. She has lost multiple children in what seemed like an easy case to get them back. She gave up on herself and let them go. In my mind that would never be an option for most mothers. If you truly believe you are a fit parent, PROVE it. Listening to her stories I could tell she wanted me to feel sorry for her, but I didn't. Not one bit. But the day she was giving birth that all changed. She was laying there, in pain, crying. I remembered my two labors and births of Randall and Abigail. At that point in the labor I was defeated, exhausted and ready to give up. But the one thing that gave me strength was that I was getting an awesome gift out of it, a baby! I wondered what T was feeling at that point. She knew that baby was going to another family, she wouldn't get to be her mother. She must have felt the unltimate defeat. It broke my heart as I held her hand through contractions. I cried for her while she cried. My first real feeling of love for the Mother of my chilren. After her birth she went through all the emotions you can think of. When she was preparing to leave the hospital, without her child she came to me and hugged me. I have never recieved a hug from her. She thanked me for everything I had done for her through the pregnancy and she thanked me for staying with her through labor, delivery and recovery. According to her, she has never had someone do that for her. 6 babies and no one ever supported her. What a slap in the face for me. I've had all the support I could ever need in my life. Family and friends would drop just about anything to help us out, and in her most vulnerable time, she had no one. I hugged her back and told her that she did an amazing job and I was happy to be there. I had been worried about how I would handle that goodbye. I thought taking someone's baby and sending them on their way was just so harsh. She made it easy. I am thankful for this. So now we have this beautiful baby girl coming home to us. A little girl we prayed daily, even hourly for. She is healthy, thriving and all of that because her birthmother chose to make good choices during her pregnancy. What a long journey for both T and I; two people from completely different worlds coming together for the greater good of a single little human being. It was hard, frustrating and exhausting. But in the end I have found empathy for a woman that will be in our lives forever. God is good, always.